Its nearly 14th December and I have made it a tradition not to put any of my decorations up until after that date.

My Dad Edward William Roberts passed away on Wednesday 14th December 1994, just an hour after the 13th.

He talked about the pills and showed me them,I knew a little bit about his medication and knew that he could take up to 10 of one of his pills for the pain.His check up appointment was the day after I arrived so he would ask the doctor was it okay for him to take more than  the three he was taking.

He also out of the blue said my mum had been a queen through the past few weeks, He just wanted the bloody pain to go away, so he could have a decent night's sleep without popping all kinds of pills! He wished he was well enough to take me out for a drink and a proper old chat.

Its now coming up to twelve years and this past few hours I have had him quite prominent in my thoughts. It doesnt get any easier but it does make you value more and more as each year comes round to Christmas how much one person kept the glue in the family.

I thought that seeing its coming to that time again I would share with you a letter written the past couple of days. 

Hello Dad,

I know you are near and will be 'visiting' mum and the girls around your anniversary of your passing. I know that you have 'given' my mum signs of you being around like the christmas lights flickering when they were a static set of lights. I know that you 'helped' a beautiful peach rose bloom in the back garden you had planted. It blooms the same time each year around your anniversary.

I know that when mum and I have our differences you visit me in my dreams and tell me to sit and think of ways of making things right, so I do I promise I do.

I also know that you send me angels to look after me when I am so tired I don't know where I get the strength from to carry on.

I know that you give me signs through the beautiful pieces of writings I get here on myspace in the words of others encouragement and support.

I know that you are doing your best to keep my son Ian close to me, but you are also helping me to let go and let him learn his own lessons.

I know that when I need some infinate guidance I get a sign from an angel or a feather will fall from no where and lay it before me to give me peace.

I know you had never been a religious man, and would be in awe when you reached the other side. 

I know that around Christmas eve, about midnight I will be wishing for the smell of fresh turkey just out of the oven, and imagining you cutting the first slice of turkey then making fresh sandwiches for whoever decided to stay up that year.

At times when I am low I will sit and say outloud Give me a sign Dad let me know that I am doing okay.

I am letting you know that I miss you now and more as each day goes by. Please if you see him say hello to Lol, give every body I miss a huge hello which I know you will.

No I don't keep up with the 'Jones' which is a saying you would say when somebody was trying to keep up with modern trends and put themselves beyond their reasonable means. I manage well and I know you would be proud of Ian and Lorie.

This year we are having christmas dinner on Christmas Eve. I am really looking forward to spending some quality time with my two children. I will put out a glass for you and we will raise a toast for you next thursday.

I am doing what i truly love dad by keeping my hand in writing and its been so lovely just to sit and write you this letter. Please know I love you with all my heart and will do my best to be all that you hoped for me, even in my later years.

all the best dad,

Love your girl, Denise

xxxxx