I wrote this letter as my way of letting my dad know that I knew he wasn't far away and that I knew he was safe but that it didn't mean I had forgotten him,but that I missed him every day. He passed away December 14th 1994   Dear Dad, I miss you so much; sitting here I wonder how you must have felt that last night here on the earth plain. You just wanted rest, but you didn't want to hurt my mum anymore. So you thought it would be best that she wasn’t there even though she was deep in your heart, you ached more for her than you did for yourself. She feels so much hurt and guilt that, you wanted her to go home. At least now you are with my Nan and granddad. It’s hard for me to talk to my mum about my grief, I wish I could but she doesn’t need me crying down the phone. I wish too I could have said my good-byes before you passed away. A few weeks before, you had spoken to me on the phone and you sounded really chirpy, saying you had been for a walk a couple of days previously, but you felt exhausted now. The pain had not gotten any easier and the doctors had said you should have a few Guinness to buck you up. We talked about me moving house yet again: you called me a Gypsy; I said that I felt like one! Moving all the time I couldn't get settled. You said things will be all right. You then said,”I love you, y’know girl, I love you”  It frightened me a little, I reciprocated and we said Good-bye. I wrote you and Mum a letter card telling you where I was now living.  Mum said the next time I rang that you received the card and it was on the television in your room. I realize now that the phone call was your way of saying good-bye to me. The last time we spoke was the Saturday before you passed away. You sounded so weak. I thought I had woken you. Little did I know the would be our last conversation.   *I was so shocked to see you  in the Chapel of rest, you were so tiny and helpless : I wanted you to open your eyes and tell me you were better. The pain and realization shot through my heart , that you wouldn’t be there any more hit me such a fierce blow. I want to be able to talk to you and yet I feel that I can’t hear your answers. I feel I need your advice. I have decided to trace our family history, it will take a long time but when I get it completed it is going to be dedicated to you . I am writing a book full of poetry and have also decided to do some painting because I know you loved me to draw. So I will do a couple and send one home for mum. I love you dad and I miss you so much. Love you always. Denise                 xxxxxxxxx                                      I wonder whether any body else feels that way about someone they have lost.   * That day I came home from the chapel of rest and sobbed my heart out and just wanted to be left alone. That evening I was talking to my boyfriend and some of the family. I had a few brandies. Mick and I went up to bed.  I was in my mum’s bed and wanted so much to be able to sleep. I drifted off into a heavy sleep only to be woken up with someone calling my name and poking me in the chest. I awoke in a daze and at first thought it was  just Mick until I focused properly. Close enough to hug was my dad, He whispered, ”Look, Denise Look,  I am all right now. I am all right” He had all his facial hair, his mustache, eyebrows and wonderful head of hair. I closed my eyes quickly and opened them again only to see him fading away with a smile. I never told anyone about that incident because people would think I was being hysterical. I know deep in my heart it was my dad letting me know he had reached the other side safely. The Next morning I awoke with slight pains in my chest, I just mentioned to Mick that I had a weird dream not that I had actually seen my dad there in the room.

Written for Win 10th September 2005     The year is going by too fast Win, I am finding that if I don’t think about it so much, my ache in my heart for all our grief I can smile and caress the memories that are dear and most precious of the past eighteen months. I want to write about the good things the sad and poignant times that are so bitter sweet, as I write this I am listening to Eva Cassidy singing I know you by heart,,, Yes I believe we know each other by heart, in so many ways by soul too.   Even though there we lead separate lives, our lives our intertwined by the happenings we discuss with each other, These are the most precious moments, these are the reasons we are and have been soul sisters for all of the twenty eight years.   We find that our own anger doesn’t always show but only when we share those emotions are we able to understand why, and then we empathise all that we are the only way we know of friendship.   To have known the one true laughing soul that shared in your family and became part of our lives for just a short period of time then we have to try to do our best to support what we sometimes don’t understand, sometimes want to shout at the world for taking this wonderful Angel on Earth from our physical sight.   Knowing that not far away she is looking down, standing close, wrapping her wonderful loving smile around all of those who are feeling the pain of betrayal and total broken heartedness.   Know that travelling through this anger and distress, no one person can understand but only empathise as much as possible.   My nostalgic heart and memory of all that the Light of Dawn is the night I spent with all of you and she sat at the top of your living room and listened to ‘the Dance’ by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. And then we began to giggle and she sat picking at her eyelashes. I took a long and humble look at this wonderful woman of light and she said, these eyelashes are getting on me nerves… and we both chuckled as we shared that little moment of intimacy.   That is my most treasured memory, of her physically. Her last voice memory of her was the day I rang about the Race for life fund raiser I did and she had gotten so much money I was in shock. !! She was chuckling that night too.   I know that when I am feeling a little less than myself I try to imagine her throaty chuckle to uplift me.     You have given and supported me much more than you will ever know in my life as I have grown into the woman I am and now am becoming to take as a serious and self respected individual.   I speak your name with great pride in the knowledge that sometimes we are not sitting at the table supping our favourite drink, or eating our favourite food, But deep in my heart that you are my most soulful sister in my life and will continue until God calls one of us home.   This is the Hardest part to say but, if you are called before me I want a sign, I want you to know you will get one from me….I won't tell you what it will be but very special to me and you and our friendship and the giggly laughter we  share now.   I am blessed to have all of your family and the family I have chosen for myself.   My heart my friendship and soul and the person who I am has and will always  be because of how you have influenced my life and shared your knowledge.

this is another piece from my book I am still re writing     June 14th was a Friday I was due in work at twelve o clock. I got up every morning with my daughter to see her off to school I had got into the habit of doing twenty minutes on my exercise bike.  I got the urge to phone home. Mum wasn’t in so I thought I would ring my Aunty Ann. She sounded cheerful enough. I said I had tried to ring my mum but aunty Ann said she had gone to the cemetery because it would have been my Aunty Emily’s birthday. I was getting late so I decided to get ready and walk to work it would take me about twenty minutes if I kept up my pace. It was a  lovely day but for some reason my legs were aching, I put it down to pushing myself too much on my exercise bike.  My day went quite smooth and I was glad to get in and have a bath. I just got out of the bath when the phone rang :   It was my friend Win. She didn’t usually ring me so early in the evening but I was glad to hear her voice, “ Hi Dee. How are you luv ?” her concerned voice made me wonder what was wrong. “ Have any of your family rang you ?” Her question seemed out of the ordinary which set my mind in motion. “ Why Win. what is wrong?” My voice felt shaky and quite anxious as to what the answer might be. “ Oh God, Dee haven’t you heard hasn’t any one rang you.” “ I have been in work till four, I have just got out of the bath.” I could feel my heart walloping my rib cage . “ Denise, Lol has had a heart attack. Our Pat told me, he got rushed to hospital earlier on this morning.”  I went into a state of panic. “What hospital is he in. Who was with him. Is Ann at the hospital with him now?” “ Oh God, Denise. He’s dead.” I could tell by the tone of Win’s voice that she really didn’t want to be the  one to have to break the news to me. I was in floods of tears not knowing which way to turn. I was standing in the kitchen with a towel round me and one on my head, which felt like a ton weight . “Look I will ring your Sandra give me the phone number. I will just make sure my news is not wrong Dee. I promise to ring you right back.” I stood for what seemed like an eternity for the phone to ring .When it did, I jumped ; “ Dee .It’s me again. Your San has been trying to ring you today she didn’t realize you were in work all day. Julie has just got to her house they were going to ring you after six o clock.” “ I am really, really sorry Dee. Look ring me back later when you have calmed down a little bit .Have you got any brandy in? Have some to calm you down . Phone me later okay.” As Win had been talking to me my boyfriend had come  in from work he looked at me puzzled wondering what had upset me so much. When I managed to tell him he stood there in shock.    I think it was the most awful couple of days. My friend Celine had lost her grandma the night before. She had flown to Ireland to be with her family. I had no one I could call on the island right that very minute.   My son and I had discussed a few weeks previously the fact that I never told him who his father was and that evening I have hinted that it was someone I would always hold close in my heart.  Telling Ian who his dad was that night was one of the hardest and most regretful pieces of news I have ever had to convey.  H aving to cope with  my family and my mother’s attitude towards the news was also a challenge I didnt savour. Her phone call a few days later was only what I had expected, because she said some really hurtful things and I just realised that her controlling ways still made her feel she had to call me a liar  in order to make sense of me never telling her how much I actually loved the man and father of my son.She actually made a point of saying it would be inadvisable for me to come to Liverpool to the funeral. I had a call from Lilian Lol’s sister to say thanks for the cards and his mum spoke to me. It meant so much to me. My son spoke with my mother  telling her he was coming over to the funeral. and still thought that it would be wrong if he  went over for the funeral, which none of the family approved of but I was so glad he went. It meant he was there for me and for himself.   -------------------------------------------   The day after the funeral was 22nd June:  I decided to go to spiritual church for the first time in years. I felt I had to go because I felt I would be able to pay my respects to Lol this way.   My day in work the day before was horrendous and nothing could lift my spirits. Knowing that I wanted to be  with my son to give him support. I had a blazing “lecture” very patronizing to say the least with my manageress who was only 24 years old. Yet I managed to get on with my day.   The next day was excellent. Work had been quite light hearted and yet I was glad to get home.     The lady on the platform was speaking to two other people then came to me. I was shocked but answered her: She said: ‘ I have Emily here, She is bringing so much confidence and peace , which at the moment I feel you are lacking .’ She went onto say I will get this confidence back, at the moment you feel like someone has thrown a bucket of cold water you. She knows how I feel,  she had a few thrown at her in her time and never kept still, all her time hear on the earth plain. She never knew what would happen next. Her family used to say “you made your bed, you lie in it”. And that is what she did. Sometimes though the mattress was so lumpy that she would have to plump it up, because in her day it was a flock mattress. This is how it has felt for me as if you have loads of lumps in the mattress and you keep having to get out and make things smooth again.  You will get you your confidence back, ( she kept making a point of this). There is also a great deal of peace  she wants to give you. She has been with you these past few weeks and things couldn’t have been harder for you. Honestly you mustn’t loose faith. You have found great comfort in the spiritual link, I must not loose this link. She also mentioned a bell a crystal bell it is not the size but the thought that comes with this bell it will bring great significance in your life. The medium actually showed me the size of the object .     It was really lovely message and so true for I know my auntie Emily had a hard life and always got on with what ever hardships that came her way. I was having a very bad time of it since I had heard of Lol’s death nothing really could console me except to come back to church. He had actually died on her birthday so it was fitting that she should come through when she did. I always felt that when Auntie Emily went the back bone of the family had diminished. She was so honest that I could only get great comfort from her words through this lovely medium. I t was true all my confidence had gone out of the window and nothing I did to reassure myself helped . Just knowing there was someone in my corner made it feel a little easier.   On the Monday I had booked to see the same medium privately. this was a sitting I will treasure: I actually wrote the sitting down as a letter to my friend Win so it sounds a bit like a full  story. When I arrived at the chapel it was quiet apart from some muffled voice in the distant room. A tall slim lady came out from the room to greet me, saying that they had been watching out for me. As I was shown into the room, I sat down. She explained that there were already spirit friends in the room. The first one was Arthur. She asked me did I know who he is. I answered that I did now. She said he answered he was glad. Then she went on: He says you have tummy trouble  but they will subside. At the moment I am under a great deal of stress and anxiety , he wants to bring me the calm. He has been around me for the past few months trying his best not to frighten you, because you don’t believe in yourself that means that your confidence  is very low.   Also I have heard spirit but refused to accept them because of my confusion. I am going to have a brighter and better day tomorrow. Not in the distant future but as the days go on I have a bright light around me and will feel upliftment.   There was someone in the side wanting to get in two people called Martha and Maggie. Martha was the older one but maggie didn’t like this. when I was a babe they used to fight for attention and when one did something , the other just had to but in. She says that maggy loved to stir it and Martha would bite. (I felt this was a hint at my dad’s funeral). Maggie says she is sorry now , she realises now she should have been more tolerant on the earth plain, as she realises how wonderful life should and could be for me.   There are two boys in my circle of life who were very strong willed but close they've had a parting of the ways ( she pushed her hands apart) but I have not to worry they will come together in later life, and become strong friends again. I worry too much about other people and care too much about what is happening to them. You have got to take care of yourself . Believe in you. You are feeling really drained god knows and spirit knows you have had a bashing. O h someone is butting in saying there is someone with a pain , a man , close to me. down his arm. He will be all right because spirit friends are sending the healing . She says this person went over quickly but is still near the earth plain. Healing will help ( I immediately thought of Lol he wasn’t prepared for spirit and the only way to help him is by sending all your love and Praying which I have been doing. She says that a man called Tommy was there with my father. Tommy went quickly he didn’t want to but he did. He is saying things about my anxiety over work. When he was on the earth plain he loved the feeling he got at the end of a working week when he received his pay. Then he felt safe knowing that he got the right money but sometimes he would have to ask . ( I felt like she was telling me my life the past few months).   He says that I should believe in myself and that to trust my instinct and things are going to be brighter and clearer as the days go on , I will become more spiritually elevated so in turn I will become more materially secure. He also said , I am on the move and once it is concluded then things will begin to improve. So then she said my father wanted Tommy to move over. So I could accept him would I ? I said yes ( the feeling I got knowing that I was communicating with my dad was so wonderful) .   He says that he has been around these past few months and he has tried to help me, see that I have got so much beauty inside me even though things have been so awful. He is very calm. and at peace. He said I have a great lump of anxiety , Yet I have put on the air of being calm , but he known different. You try he says to be calm and sometimes you are. Btu deep down he knows you are far from it.         He is not being  nosy or interfering but he has been watching these past few weeks every one of the family nit just me. and he knows all the anguish and stress I am going through. maybe he says if he had been more of a father to notice the rest of the family , I wouldn’t be feeling the way  I did. He says he is sorry for not listening . then he goes on to say that I am like a flower at the moment I feel wilted and without strength and feel all my beauty is gone because my petals have fallen.  What others don’t know is you are strongest when at your weakest. the bashes that came through  hail rain or snow, Don’t make me weaker , but hardier and hardier. with each changing season I bloom stronger and more beautiful. He says you know how beautiful you can be and sometimes the knocks in life make you shine. But not through vanity, sometimes you can be but someone will say something to make you realise that is not who you are. He went on to talk  about a man in my life who at the moment is just plodding along working coming in sitting down , not living. He was the same I have to teach him how to live. My dad knows what living is now he is in spirit world. He also says that I must, I have to believe in myself and stop worrying about others, that is all I have ever done. Start caring for me and my life will be so bright . stop trying to see too far ahead and enjoy now. We are all here to learn.   When I am at home he is saying he’s with me in the drawing room. When I make a cuppa then get a cup for him that brings him much comfort and joy as it does when you speak his name. Put some ginger nuts with his cup. Talk to him he will listen and try to guide you. She then says she can see him pulling a toy trolley with a long handle on it saying this is my little truck. ( I feel that was his way of letting me know it was him). She says I have to watch out for 17th September. It will be a celebration of a female relation. ( I know of only one that would coincide with this date) I have to keep this date important in my dairy. Also do I have a picture hanging any where of two birds? (My answer was no) I have to watch how this is brought to me it will be significant. I will be very settled within the next few years and  I will have peace and calmness around me.  When I am about 45 -46 I will become truly spiritual and will accept spirit friends more freely, and will become a giver from which I will gain. There have been spiritual incidences that have happened to me, But I become aware of it and stopped myself because of my fear.I have been studying the mythic card pack and have been sampling doing a reading for friends. But I found it lead to receiving messages from spirit. She then asked out of the blue if I had a tattoo or was thinking of getting one. A daisy or a flower. I couldn’t think of any thing other than when I was younger and used to wear the wet tattoos. There was someone I knew that run his fingers through his hair on the earth plain. I must watch over him. Don’t try to keep up with “the Jones” for now just mend and make do.       It is so strange but most of what I was told that day meant a great deal to me and I managed to fathom out some of the things that were put to me.   Arthur  as I have mentioned  is my grandfather’s natural father, I know that he has been looking out for me. I had been having trouble with my tummy and have only now managed to get it sorted out two years after my message.I had to have a hysterectomy and the composure of this book is from the weeks after my  recovery, as there wasnt any heavy work allowed. I do hide my feelings and give off a state of calmness.  Even when everything around me could go wrong. Dad said that I am strong when at my weakest, and I do try to shine when all else fails. I have always worried about other people before myself even given up days off to help out someone. As for the tattoo well the day I went to church I was doing a girls makeup and she was very pretty she had just had a beautiful daisy chain tattoo put around her ankle and did have a tattoo on her thigh I found out after the sitting. It made me feel good to think my dad was with me at work helping me smile. Also the birds on the wall were on the new floor we moved to when I worked for another beautician and her mum, took down a padded framed picture of two birds of paradise. So again confirming to me that my dad was there for me.   I feel I am some times afraid of my gift and try my best to hide it even though sometimes I am urged to show my spiritual self.   That first sitting in church gave me the comfort and the guidance to carry on with the work I was doing and at least I knew that I had people looking down over me. When I went to church I felt that I always could walk home calm and less confused than before.

Dees Inspirations © 2005-2011 May you always have a angel by your side...

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